A Response to Lisa Boucher

Dear Lisa,

Oh boy. Where do I begin? I’m writing in response to your recent blog post entitled, “When You’re Done Bashing Alcoholics Anonymous – it May be the Thing that Saves Your Life.” Your post was well-written and thorough and it was a powerful retort to the ever-growing and increasingly vocal contingent comprised of ex-AA members who want to promote alternative recovery methods and to warn potential AA members of what life is really like in AA. 

I’d like to tell you a bit about myself. As an initial matter, I spent 13 years sober in AA. I entered the program after a 28-day inpatient treatment stay and a 7-month stint in a sobriety house that mandated daily AA attendance. I did 90 meetings in 90 days, I always had a sponsor, I held numerous service commitments, I sponsored other women, I went through the steps multiple times, and I attended about 5 meetings a week at a minimum during my entire tenure in the rooms. In other words, I did everything, everything, that I was instructed to do. And I did so as rigorously honestly as possible.

But, the funny and inexplicable thing was that I was becoming more and more hopeless with each passing year in AA. By the time I finally left the program, I was suicidal and plagued with low self-worth, a total lack of faith in my ability to make decent decisions, a hearty degree of self-loathing, fear of myself and everything around me – but especially fear of this “disease” you all talked about that was “doing push ups in the parking lot outside of meetings,” an AA saying designed to constantly remind one that they are never safe from the evil, insidious, unpredictable first drink. An AA saying that functions to keep people trapped in their fears and in AA meetings.

You speak of alcoholism as a disease. And AA does, too, in the beginning of the book. Why does the big book then go on to describe alcoholism as a “spiritual sickness?” Is it a disease or not? I’m confused. Please explain. AA actually does a lot of admirable things in the beginning of the book. The steps look so benign – so flexible, so undemanding, so capable of being personally tailored to the individual, so beautiful. And, perhaps most cool about the steps is that the Big Book says you don’t even have to do them! They are mere suggestions, right? AA has no absolutes, as you claimed. 

Except that AA is riddled with absolutes. Your ignorance of these absolutes is either feigned or you haven’t been listening in meetings for the last 30 years. An alcoholic who does not follow this program exactly most certainly signs his own death warrant. Sound familiar? That’s a line from the big book that basically says “if you have a problem with drinking, and you don’t do AA to the letter, you will die.” Oh, and what about that line in the book explaining what happens to AA members who leave AA? You know, the one that says you most definitely will end up in jail, an institution, or dead? Yes, that one. What the fuck? You don’t think these kinds of messages scare the shit out of people and, in practice, function as absolutes? And let’s revisit the claim that the steps are “merely suggestions” one more time. The fact is that this idea of optional step work is a fantasy. In meetings, you are denigrated if you just choose not to do the steps because they are mere suggestions. Also, there’s that well-worn cliché that “the steps are suggestions in the same way it is suggested you open your parachute before jumping out of an air plane.” 

The truth is Lisa, AA is very different in practice than it is in the book. I have never once been to a meeting where someone advocates for a different recovery program. It is always AA or death. Resources abound these days. You and your crew of terrified steppers in AA suppress information about these treatment alternatives. The big book says that AA is not the only way, that science may one day come up with a medical treatment to alcohol use disorder, that AA has no monopoly on drinking or recovery. I have never seen anyone actually walk this talk. Shit, I didn’t when I was in AA. You’re not walking that talk either. 

Your blog post is full of lies regarding SMART recovery and other treatment modalities. Let’s just take a quick look, shall we? First you claim that “as a result of the 12 steps, other recovery programs have sprung up such as … SMART recovery.” Uhhhh…I’m pretty sure that SMART does not have roots in AA. AA encourages powerlessness and a surrendering of will and a dissolving of ego. SMART encourages self-trust, empowerment, it fosters a sense of agency and self-sufficiency in its members. It is hopeful. You don’t have to label yourself as “sick” and diseased forever, like you do in AA. So, please. Stop spreading blatant lies. Next up we have your claim that SMART gives people a roadmap through the steps and its successes can be attributed to its association with the steps. Please, please, please tell me you don’t actually believe this. Because that it is utter garbage and an egregious falsehood. SMART is based on proven therapeutic techniques such as CBT. AA is faith healing. BIG difference.

Truth is that your beloved program is loathed by many who spent a long time doing everything AA old timers told us. Oh, and speaking of old timers, let’s look at your claim that AA is neither patriarchal nor teaming with perverts. As for AA not being patriarchal, what the fuck are you talking about? Have you even read the “To Wives” chapter? I’m guessing not, because, if you had, you’d see that the big book directs the wives of drinking husbands to “try not to condemn your alcoholic husband no matter what he says or does.” Uhhh…stellar advice. But not really. That same chapter advises wives that “the first principle of success is that you never should be angry.” The dysfunction in this approach is so obvious, I don’t even feel it’s necessary to analyze this bit. It’s just absolutely fucked up beyond repair. 

 Now, let’s look at your assertion that AA is not a uniquely fucked up place full of the dregs of society and sexual predators. You explain this reality away with the argument that there are perverts in any social group that is a cross section of society. This is just straight up dangerous. I sat in those rooms. I have never met a sicker group of individuals in my life. Child molesters, sexual predators, old timers who can’t keep their hands to themselves, stalkers, etc. I’m glad you’ve been treated well by men in AA. I can assure you, your anecdotes do not make your claim true for all women. It’s a fact that disturbed individuals are severely over-represented in 12 step fellowships, as compared to the rest of society. But, by all means, extrapolate your good experience to the rest of us. 

You also say “you should” a lot in your blog post. Eyes on your own paper there, Lisa.

In short, your critique of the opinion piece calling out AA for being patriarchal fell short of being a reasonable, sound, or accurate depiction of what being a member of AA is really like.

I do believe AA can help a small fraction of people – lots of these people, but not all, are those who thrive on self-deprecation and respond well to fear-based directives. People who like living in an apocalyptic world where change only occurs through bloodied knees and on the brink of death. Honestly, that sounds like a pretty shitty world to me. I’m very happy to have left that perspective behind. And now, I am truly free. It’s an exhilarating feeling. After 13 years convincing myself I am a sick drunk, it is indescribably wonderful to have the opportunity to like myself today, to be unafraid, and to finally feel some peace.

Good luck in your continued sobriety. I hope you stop lying so much – especially to yourself.

Best,

Julie