My Attempt at an Honest Holiday Letter

Dearest family and friends,

Happy holidays! What a crazy year it has been in the Okulski – Laitos household! Life has been so hectic that, unfortunately, I just haven’t had time to put out the usual holiday card this year. 

Just kidding. Obviously, I don’t really have the adulting skills to do the Christmas letter thing. In fact, I have sent out only one holiday card in my adult life. And the only reason I even made that card back in 1998 was because my best friend and I took a particularly good photo of ourselves while we were in an inflatable kiddy pool drunkenly floating down a street in New Orleans during a hurricane and we absolutely needed to send said photo to as many people as possible. Well, 21 years later, my Christmas letter hymen has regenerated and it’s time to pop that cherry. So, here we go. 

Let’s start with Jan. Jan has had a trying year physically. Don’t worry – he’s still kicking it and is healthy. But, we’ve been through four fairly serious surgeries in this year alone. Two of these surgeries required us to engage in a very elaborate pre-shower routine involving numerous rubber bands and trash bags. Cubital tunnel release surgery, while minor compared to Jan’s really intense spinal fusion this past August, is no joke. Did you know that after cubital/carpal tunnel release surgery, you cannot get your arm wet for 6 weeks? It is way harder to keep an entire arm dry in the shower than you might think. Luckily, for Jan, Julie is like a trash bag whisperer and, thanks to her, the pair succeeded in following Jan’s post-surgical instructions (for the most part). 

Unlike Jan’s spinal column, Jan’s career had an awesome year. He secured FIVE book contracts, published two articles, and managed to facilitate a $2 million gift to the University of Denver law school – all in 2019. He definitely made Julie look beyond bad in the job department, but more on that later.

In May, Jan and Julie (talking about myself in the third person is awesome, by the way) traveled to North Carolina to see Julie’s brother, Alex, marry his true love, Jane Smith. It was their first trip in four years – ever since Jan awoke to being partially paralyzed in 2015. The trip was a success!  The wedding was one of the most wonderful events in Julie’s life. During the rehearsal dinner, Julie gave a heartfelt toast in which she gifted to Alex a small stuffed animal Julie and Alex fought over as children. It was a very loving and generous gesture and Julie was so happy that she had kept the small toy safe for over 25 years all so that she could, at Alex’s wedding, give him this most coveted and precious object. Unfortunately, Alex managed to lose the stuffed animal in basically less than 5 minutes. So, in sum, and to be clear, Julie guarded the toy for over 25 years. Alex, on the other hand, lost the toy, ultimately endangering it, in approximately 25 seconds. Alex claims it was “stolen,” but Julie just can’t believe that anyone in North Carolina is just dying to get their hands on a 6-inch-tall, deformed, stuffed koala bear from Busch Gardens.

As for Julie, her 2019 life was kind of the inverse of Jan’s. The good news is that Julie was completely healthy, aside from a few root canals, for the entire year. The bad news is that Julie discovered, after borrowing, you know, like $250,000 to go to law school, that she probably doesn’t want to be lawyer after all. In fact, Julie is doubting the shrewdness of her decision to go to law school in the first place, as those five years (yes, it took her five) were not particularly pleasant and lawyers give her the dry heaves as a general matter. Until Julie finds something new, she will likely just continue pretending to be a lawyer for the sake of appearances, while playing a lot of tennis and keeping the mid-life crisis at bay.

Unfortunately, Julie and Jan’s beloved 16-year-old cat, Scout, passed away this past October. Julie subsequently went off the rails and impulsively adopted a new cat from the Denver Dumb Friends League a whole four days later. Because a single cat could never replace Scout, Julie and Jan were required to get an additional new cat. Both new cats are ridiculously good looking – maybe the best-looking cats ever. They’re also both boys and incredibly poorly behaved. The new cats have only been caught humping once, though, so that’s good.

And speaking of ridiculously good looking, Jan’s son, Erik, has had a rocking year. He was nominated for countless awards at his consulting company and continues, miraculously, to just become more handsome with each passing day. Erik is a true delight in Jan and Julie’s lives and the threesome fairly regularly get together for family bonding time. 

Well, family and friends, those are the cliff notes. I hope this holiday greeting finds you well and happy and healthy. Much love to everyone and happy holidays!

Love,

Jan, Julie, Caesar, Toby, the ghost of Scout, and all the rest