In Defense of Dildo

If you happen to have read my two previous blog posts entitled “My Uncontrollable Urge to Fuck with Nextdoor.com Part I” and “My Uncontrollable Urge to Fuck with Nextdoor.com Part II,” then you know I have a hard time behaving like an actual adult on the website Nextdoor.com. To explain, many of the specific neighbors that the website connects me with are fairly snooty and self-important. Additionally, the website is infested with extensive rules that try to make its members behave appropriately at all times. Under these conditions, I cannot help but act out. I mean, come on. They’re practically begging for it.

One of the biggest temptations I routinely experience when perusing Nextdoor is to somehow interject a naughty word into a well-established and totally bland thread. Specifically, for almost a year, I have been itching to type the word “dildo” into a response. Well, I am here to say that just two hours ago, I finally succeeded in this beautiful mission. And I managed to exceed my own expectations, too. I inserted the word dildo not once, but five times over the course of only two posts. Today I am my own hero.

As an initial matter, I am unconvinced that the word dildo violates any of Nextdoor’s guidelines, anyway. I recently rechecked the guidelines and they solely prohibit the use of “profanity.” Last time I checked, profanity includes words like “shit,” “motherfucker,” “dickbag,” “scrotum face,” etc. Profanity might also include things like full on nudity or exposed side-boob. But to me, the word “dildo,” does not smack of profanity.

A dildo may enable you to engage in behavior that is arguably “profane” if publicly flaunted, for sure. And, for that reason, I am definitely not going to write a Nextdoor post about the joys of masturbating or anything. But, a dildo, in and of it self, is entirely separate from the acts for which a dildo may be used. Furthermore, dildos are already all over the TV and internet as it is. It’s just that clever advertisers usually refer to them as “back massagers.” Let’s be honest, this is a marketing ploy that is not fooling any one – or at least it’s not fooling any woman who I am friends with. Considering all of these facts, I believe I have a good argument supporting the idea that, due to ambiguity surrounding whether a dildo is profane, I should be permitted to use the word dildo on Nextdoor.com. True, the fuddy-duddy administrators, who likely secretly insert live gerbils up their butts, might disagree. However, I won’t go down without a fight on this.

But while the jury is still out as to whether dildo may be acceptable on Nextdoor, what is definitely a no-no on the website anything involving national politics. The guidelines make it crystal clear that all discussions of non-local politics are, without exception, prohibited. Furthermore, anything remotely related to national political issues is off limits. This means that if someone advertises an ACLU event happening in Denver that is going to train attendees on how to resist a president’s policies, they have violated the Nextdoor community guidelines in perhaps the most flagrant way imaginable.

A post of the nature I just described above appeared on my Nextdoor newsfeed today. I did not think much of it at first other than that I was unable to attend, but then I realized it was a golden opportunity for dildo to have its day in the Nextdoor.com sun. If dildo is indeed profanity and violates the guidelines, I was sure that my small and arguably unknowing violation would be eclipsed by the huge and flagrant violation committed by the woman who posted about the ACLU event. The wheels began turning.

I decided to check the comments to get a feel for what my uppity neighbors were saying about the post. As I suspected, a number of particularly douchey neighbors were making a huge ruckus about how inappropriate the post was while equally douchey neighbors were defending it venomously. In other words, the post had devolved into a mud-slinging match between equivalently pissed off neighbors. I decided this was my chance to finally go for it.

“Frankly, I think it is a bit unfair that people are using Nextdoor as a platform for advertising political events hosted by national organizations focusing on politics on a national scale. When I am on Nextdoor, I try to exercise restraint and post according to the guidelines. For instance, there have been many, MANY occasions when I have wanted to so badly make fun of someone or simply post the word “dildo” in a comments section. However, because of the guidelines, I do not do this. If I can’t post something as innocent as the word “dildo,” then it is grossly unfair that others can flagrantly violate the guidelines by posting about politics.”

Within exactly four minutes, a woman by the name of Marjorie S. called me out. “Well, for what it’s worth, dildo wouldn’t make it into my list of top 1,000 innocent words,” she said pithily.

“Thanks for sharing Marjorie. First off, maintaining a list of your top 1,000 innocent words sounds like a real barrel of monkeys. Second, you obviously don’t have advertisements on your facebook newsfeed for the “pure-wave” so-called back massager and aren’t exposed to dildos on a regular basis. Third, you seem to be no fun, so, in terms of what your word is worth, I hate to say it but it’s probably not much,” I immediately thought with daggers in my eyes.

I typed up something along these lines and shot back at her on the thread. Then, I realized that my response was far too unsophisticated. I knew I could do better than that! I deleted my initial comment and, instead I wrote the following:

“I maybe misspoke when I said “dildo” was entirely innocent, but I see your point exactly Marjorie. That’s why I refrain from using the word dildo on here. And, if I am held to certain standards per the Nextdoor.com guidelines – especially ones that run counter to the spirit of the First Amendment – then it is a bit unfair that others are not required to exercise a similar degree of restraint. Look, to be clear, if it were up to me, we could say anything on Nextdoor – well not anything, but anything within some degree of reason. But it’s not. So, I won’t say dildo and others shouldn’t post about politics.”

I wish I knew how Marjorie took my comment. As of right now she has yet to respond. However, three of my neighbors have expressed support for my dildo posts. But I’m not holding my breath that the “neighborhood lead,” i.e. the Nextdoor police, won’t remove my comment for being “profane” and come after me via email to once again scold me for my transgressions.

At least if I get scolded this time, I feel fairly confident that I am armed with great arguments as to why I did not blatantly violate their “guidelines.” Furthermore, if things get really bad, I will just feign ignorance as I have done before when trying to get away with something on Nextdoor.com. Usually, I pretend that I possess a peculiar way of understanding the world and those around me – I can only understand things according to their literal and actual definitions. And, it’s not my fault that Nextdoor.com chose to be ambiguous when they designed their guidelines regarding profanity. Plus, the website refers to its principles as being merely “guidelines.” So, technically I did not break any hard and fast rules. See, so much is unclear here. One thing that is clear, though, is that if anyone does report my post, he or she is obviously a massive dildo.