My Life, the Shit Show

I recently took an online quiz and discovered that I am devoid of nearly all executive functioning. This wasn’t the best news ever, seeing as how executive functioning is critical to thriving as an adult. But I wasn’t exactly surprised. I mean, I took the test because I recognized that, in some respects, I’m a little off. After five more quizzes yielded identical results, it dawned on me that I am basically cognitively disabled. And, while referring to my lack of executive functions as a disability might sound dramatic, I assure you, it’s not an overstatement. Possessing almost no ability to perform grown up responsibilities in a consistent way tends to put one at a bit of a disadvantage in life.

For those of you unfamiliar with the concept of executive functioning, I’ll explain. Executive functioning is basically an umbrella term for a number of high-level cognitive processes that originate in one’s frontal lobe - the part of the brain responsible for our most complex thinking and behavior. Executive functions are essential to managing one’s life in a day-to-day kind of way. Common executive functions include the ability to plan, organize, to set and work toward goals, to pay attention to a singular topic or task for more than five minutes, and to follow multistep instructions. Of course, there are additional executive functions, but I think I covered most of the really awful ones.

If you are confused, a good way to figure out if you are engaged in an activity that involves executive functioning is to ask yourself whether the skill at issue is boring, monotonous, and completely terrible. If so, then it’s likely that the activity in question involves some form of executive functioning. For me, identifying executive functions is easy. If something is super daunting and makes me want to die, then I know that executive functioning is at play.

Life without executive functioning is far from easy and definitely not for the faint of heart. For starters, it’s easy to become depressed. This is because you are living in a world where people who are decades younger than you are about a billion times more put together and responsible than you are. Realizing this on a regular basis leaves one feeling both mortified and incompetent. It’s also very confusing. One can be incredibly brilliant but still be deficient in the executive functioning department. I like to think I fall into this category. When you’re both smart and incompetent, life is a real pickle – you tend to underachieve and fail repeatedly even though you have the horse power necessary to be something great. In other words, you’re a big ol’ pile of untapped potential because, even though you’re smart, you’re also retarded. It is a mind fuck to say the least.

My inability to function in these respects has plagued me my entire adult life. And, obviously, I am using the term “adult” fairly loosely. When you have little executive functioning, there are certain things that are simply beyond dreadful – things that you will definitely suck at doing. Balancing a checkbook, figuring out taxes, assembling Ikea furniture, and various other mundane activities are too unpleasant to even think about, let alone engage in. The ultimate nightmare for me is a tie between opening mail, paying bills, and buying groceries. These are my kryptonite. I know doing these things isn’t rocket science. But, I’d much rather have a botched colonoscopy than do any of those dreadful aforementioned tasks.

Mail. Just the thought of it triggers my gag reflex. Unless it’s a greeting card or a fun package, all mail sucks balls. When you’re a kid, mail is fun. This is because you’re a total free loader and responsible for little more than homework and other easy kid stuff. When you get to be an adult, mail takes on a whole different dimension. Mail is serious business. You must open mail and read it. Sometimes, if you’re particularly unlucky, the mail will require you to do something like activate a credit card, call a phone number, pay a bill, or, worst of all, you might have to send mail back to the person who sent mail to you to begin with. It’s all very stressful.

My mail phobia developed in college and has been going strong ever since. In order to survive a lifetime of mail, I’ve had to adapt. For example, and as a general rule, I open mail only about once every three or four months. This is a doable mail opening frequency for me. I also have learned how to hide mail from myself and then forget it exists. Forgetting about my mail is almost as good as not even receiving any mail to begin with.

Convincing yourself that the mail doesn’t exist requires some out of the box thinking. I was especially successful at ignoring my mail during my last two years (out of six years total) of college. In what could only be explained as a stroke of genius, I purchased a used miniature clothes dryer from a nearby thrift store and, for the next two years, the mail went directly into the dryer. I loved it.

Paying bills is also barely endurable – even when I can absolutely afford to do so. Paying one’s bills on time is a classic example of executive functioning at work. However, I prefer to not pay my bills until whatever service I am supposed to be paying for is discontinued as a result of my non-payment. Phone bill? Yes, thank you Verizon for all of the texts reminding me that my bill is due. Unfortunately, I’m immune to such reminders. I usually pay my cell phone bill only after my cell service has been discontinued. Parking tickets? Please. Who really keeps track of, let alone pays, their parking tickets? Not me. In fact, I actually don’t know even how many outstanding parking tickets I have. I suspect it is more than one, as just last week, I believe I saw two outstanding tickets in my backseat next – right to the Qdoba leftovers that have been in my car for three months.

My bill paying habits really bit me in the ass during my last year of law school, when I had to fill out the obnoxiously long and intrusive application to take the bar exam. See, not only must you pass the actual bar exam to become an attorney, you must also demonstrate to the bar examiners that you possess sufficient moral character and “fitness” to be an upstanding lawyer (whatever that means). For the record and as a total aside, I think it’s laughable that attorneys, of all professionals, must prove they are super ethical and upstanding – sure. Such a belief requires what my 6th grade English teacher referred to as the “willing suspension of disbelief.”

At any rate, the intrusion into my personal life was far from the worst thing about the character and fitness assessment portion of the bar exam. The whole process requires engaging in the devil’s work – to complete the assessment, you must fill out a ton of paperwork, you must have your shit super organized, and you have to disclose EVERY single time you failed to pay a bill and said bill ended up at a blood-sucking collections agency.

According to the three credit reports I had just purchased, I had 19 accounts go to collections at the time I applied to take the bar; it’s probably a higher number now, but that’s neither here nor there. The funny thing is that I had the money to pay the bills at the time. But paying bills is such an uncomfortable and unpleasant process that I put off paying bills for … years in some cases. I actually had to get a lawyer to ensure that I could become a lawyer because I wasn’t 100% sure they’d let admit me to the bar. Luckily, I think the board of bar examiners must have compared me to all the people with convictions for dealing drugs to elementary school children, because, much to my surprise, they did let me in despite my demonstrated inability to keep my shit together.

Last, but definitely not least hated, is grocery shopping. In no uncertain terms, I fucking hate grocery shopping. I hate grocery shopping so much I can’t even begin to express how much I hate it – everything about it is just awful. To my credit, I drive to the grocery store just fine. I am a driving machine, in fact. But, entering the store is a completely different matter. Going inside is much harder. This is because, when you’ve made it this far, the excruciating task of actually picking out needed foods and paying for them is imminent. So, to take the edge off, I put off the going inside part for as long as possible. And, there is no better way to procrastinate grocery shopping than by “car sitting,” which is an activity I believe I invented. Car sitting is when you put off a painfully dull task, such as grocery shopping, by dicking off on your phone for an unreasonably long period of time while sitting in your car outside wherever it is you don’t want to be. I car sit in many places, but, most frequently, I car sit in the grocery store parking lot and outside the gym. You’d be amazed at how much time you can waste car sitting. I’ve had some impressively long car sitting sessions.

When you add up my executive functioning deficiencies and combine them with my top-secret introvert side, I can be very mercurial and horrible at communicating with others. As a certified expert in burying my head in the sand and with minimal working memory, life is not always easy. There is definitely never a dull moment. And I suppose, in some ways, this is a good thing. I hate being bored and I enjoy problem solving. And, when you forget everything, are unreliable, and suck at doing basic shit, you have a lot of problems to solve.

So, why did I write all of this? Part of me wants to talk about this stuff, as it is rarely talked about. I am sure I’m not the only one who struggles along these lines. And I think raising awareness of executive function disorder (that’s the fancy name for what I call being cognitively disabled) is necessary. We all excel and struggle in different areas. I annoy the shit out of myself with how often I cannot find my car keys and how frequently I forget stuff that is pretty unforgettable (to illustrate, I used to have to write myself reminder notes to put on deodorant in the morning as an adolescent). I spend a lot of time feeling a bit confused and my idiosyncracies confuse others, as well.

Luckily, there is a silver lining to having a festering turd pile instead of a well-oiled executive functioning skill set. And that silver lining is the amusement I experience from being me. I’m a shit show. But, I’m an entertaining, delightful, super fun shit show. And, I can laugh at myself (not just other people, though I can laugh at them, too). Success looks different for all of us. We all struggle and excel in different ways. To be honest, I wouldn’t trade me in for anyone else. And I’m learning to embrace just how very special I am. Life is humbling and really hard in some respects when you are lacking a lot of the skills one needs to be successful professionally. But I am actually quite fortunate. Success to me isn’t about being a high-powered attorney. I measure success by how authentic I am in any given moment, whether I can make people laugh, and how patient and kind I am when dealing with strangers - especially those assholes you let into traffic who don’t wave thanks in response. Truth be told, I think those people are dicks even on my best days.

At any rate, if you’ve made it this far, I really thank you for reading. If you relate to anything I said, know that you’re not alone and take heart. I’m likely far worse at being a grown up than you are. And, if I’m not, then not only are pigs flying, but you’re also probably meant to be part of my tribe. It’s a sweet tribe, so if you are someone who related to what I wrote, please allow me to extend a warm welcome to you. Welcome aboard the nonsense express. For safety purposes, I suggest you take a seat next to me and buckle up. It’s a bit of a bumpy ride, but chin up. Without the turbulence, you forget you’re flying, right? This is good news, because it means there is in fact something out there that I actually can remember. <3