My Uncontrollable Urge to Fuck with Nextdoor.com Part II

1. Continued from “My Uncontrollable Urge to Fuck with Nextdoor.com Part I”

I waited a few days for my next post. This time I was going to play the good Samaritan. I posted a comment warning my neighbors to “watch out for their pets and little ones” because I had seen a fox in our local park. My comment went on to explain how I had been able to snap a picture of the fox before he ran away – I attached the photo to my post. The kicker was that the image I attached was not of a fox, but instead it was a stock photo of a morbidly obese, orange tabby cat lazing about in the grass.

This post, still to this day, makes me die laughing for some reason. Apparently, other neighbors felt the same way, as the post garnered many “LOL’s” and smiley faces. But one outlying neighbor was not amused! “THAT ANIMAL WAS A CAT!!!!!!!” Genie S. screeched at me. OMG. I had no idea this would be so upsetting or that it would push one of my neighbors over the edge. I found her reaction both amusing and disturbing. Ultimately, though, I had no choice. I realized that I had to match her crazy with crazy of my own.

“No Genie, unfortunately, you are wrong. The animal is a fox. I worked at a fox sanctuary for quite some time and there are a few rare breeds of foxes that very much resemble cats. So, your mistake is understandable. Nevertheless, thanks for reaching out!” I wrote feeling quite pleased with myself. Apparently my response was effective as that was the last I heard from Genie S. This Nextdoor thing was turning out to be a blast.

My winning streak on Nextdoor continued. I posted threads discussing what house pets experience in the afterlife and I tried to sell crappy used stuffed animals who were placed in compromising positions in their photos. I started a thread where I asked for help in “naming my new kitty.” I proposed to name him “Vitiligo” (a rare skin pigmentation disease) after the lead character in Lord of the Rings (who is actually Vigo Mortensen) or “Fupa” (look it up on Urban Dictionary) after the cute warthog in the Lion King (whose real name is “Pumba”). All of these posts went off without a hitch and yielded fantastic responses!

Everything was going great – too great. I should have known that lurking just around the corner was a run-in with the Nextdoor police, but, frankly, my previous indiscretions on Nextdoor (that I got away with) were far worse than the indiscretion for which I was scolded. My Nextdoor antics came to an abrupt halt after I commented on a thread about local wildlife that was originally posted by a woman named Loni F.

Loni was apparently a retired and perpetually pissed off schoolmarm who used Nextdoor as an outlet for her anger. This evening, Loni had taken to Nextdoor to lecture us all on the proper identification of wild animals found in Colorado.

Now, I am no genius, but I know how to differentiate between a moose and a deer. And I’m pretty sure that everyone else on Nextdoor does, too. So, since Loni felt compelled to educate us on something so obvious by posting a photo of a moose and a deer, it only seemed fair that she receive a few pearls of wisdom in return. Soon, I was posting photos myself and educating her about a different kind of “wildlife.” “This is a fraggle and this is a muppet,” I posted under the photos of the fictional characters.

This time, though, a few short minutes later, I received a notification that my post had been “reported” as offensive by another member. What?! About an hour later, I received an email from one of the Nextdoor moderators who was admonishing me for “trolling” Loni’s thread. I replied to the moderator that I was trying to interject humor into a thread where a woman was offensively lecturing all of us neighbors on a topic apprehended by 8 year-olds. She seemed to get it, but Loni had requested that I take my Fraggle picture down. No, this would not be possible, I explained. I will apologize to Loni, but the Fraggle stays. I had to draw the line somewhere.

Since being reported on Nextdoor, my activity on the neighborhood network has mellowed out somewhat. The truth is that I hate getting in trouble and, when I am not getting away from myself, I hate offending others. My exchange with Loni took the wind out of my Nextdoor sails.

It’s been a long time since I have started a thread and I have even taken steps to reinvent my image. The shame attached to giving people a hard time, mocking people, and telling fibs about fox cats finally caught up with the high I get from acting out of my ridiculousness. Furthermore, I realized I was unfairly going after low-hanging fruit when I was messing with people on there. Since my realization, I have tried to be a helpful and supportive neighbor. I have succeeded in doing this. Currently, then, the virtuous side of myself is winning out and the mischief-making side is taking a much needed rest.

And perhaps this is how things will always go for me. My ornery side will take the wheel for a while, get tuckered out (or called out), and then my virtuous side will take over. And life will just be a perpetual swinging back and forth between mischief and good. I am sure that eventually I will come to more of a middle ground between the two seemingly polar opposite traits residing inside of me. But, that time has not come and, until then, I have to ride the ride. It is my belief that pretending there is no mischievous side, or declining the opportunity to get on the ride in the first place, gets me nowhere. Only by actively embracing both sides will I ever figure out if there is hope of bridging the impressive gap that currently exists between my love for mischief and my desires to be kind.