February 22, 2017
I have what one might call an unorthodox marriage. My husband is 33 years my senior, which puts him at 70-years-old. He was also one of my law school professors. Oh, and I should not forget to mention, he was my boss for a few years. A marriage characterized by this kind of age and power differential is fairly uncommon. Most people look at us and assume a backstory ripe with torrid and scandalous details. Because my marriage is actually a rather textbook case of girl meets boy, girl stalks boy for years, boy relents and is stuck with girl, my marriage and facing people’s judgments about my marriage challenges me to not pay too much attention to what other people may be thinking about me. On good days, I kick ass at this. On bad days, I crumble under the pressure.
To me, my husband is ageless and the picture of rugged good looks and machismo. And, let me assure you, neither of us have any kinky daddy/little girl fantasies or issues. We relate as equals and peers and, when we are alone or with close friends, we do not even perceive an age difference. But, being out in public is a different story. That’s where things get a little bit tricky.
Side glances and stares have become a fact of life for me and it is a constant challenge to be unconcerned with what people are thinking about us. Sometimes when we are out, if I am really lucky, I will have someone say something along the lines of “oh, is this your dad? So sweet of you to take him shopping.” If I am completely honest, sometimes I just roll with it because I enjoy the praise. “Yes, indeed, it is my dad! And you’re right. It is so sweet and selfless of me to take him shopping, what with my busy life and all. Feel free to think incredibly highly of me.”
Usually, though, when confronted with this unfortunate question, I sheepishly correct the individual and discretely, but politely, say “no, he’s not my dad” and leave it at that. Then inevitably the requisite horrible embarrassment ensues for the person who posed the question and then I proceed to feel horrible also for the fact that they are feeling horrible when they really should not feel horrible.
The reason they should not feel horrible is because, frankly, if I were on the outside of my marriage looking in, I would be making the same mistake. Worse than that, I would be judging the living daylights out of me. Prior to meeting my husband, if I were to see a thirty-something woman married to a seventy-something man, my head would go to one of two places: (1) that woman is a gold digging ho; or (2) that man is a dirty old pervert. Lucky for my husband, I am not a gold digging ho and, lucky for me, he is not a dirty old pervert – well at least not most of the time.
Truth is, I am more than aware of the fact that my husband and I look somewhat funny on the outside. I am also well aware of the fact that a cohort of our snooty neighbors gossiped about me for months after I moved into our fancy pants neighborhood. But our story is not only the perfect example of love, it is also the perfect example of why jumping to judge others based on their outsides often yields horrible results.
I first laid eyes on my husband when he walked into a classroom in order to teach neophyte law students about the basics of constitutional law. I was one of the neophyte students, of course, and he, he was the older, enigmatic, brilliant, and untouchable professor.
While you may be thinking that he unfairly exploited our power differential to get me in the sack, the evolution of our relationship was quite the opposite. I basically stalked him relentlessly for a few years until he finally said “uncle” and agreed to have lunch with me outside of the law school. While his behavior was totally above board and he was more than a little reluctant to get involved with a student, I threw caution to the wind almost as soon as I laid eyes on him. A few weeks into constitutional law, I had made up my mind that he would marry me. A few years after that, we did get married. And we are one of the most happily married couples I know.
Why I write about my relationship with my husband is because it is a fact of my life that reminds me on a daily basis that I cannot live to make other people happy. My marriage also serves to keep my tendency to judge others in check. I mean, for all I know, people are judging me and thinking I am a prostitute. If people assume I am a prostitute when I am clearly not, then perhaps the girl whose butt is halfway hanging out of the bottom of her shorts is also not a prostitute.
Kidding aside, I am grateful that my marriage enriches me in many ways that are unrelated to the comfort that comes with finding a loving partner. It pushes me to be more open-minded and less quick to assume I have people figured out. Most importantly, my marriage challenges me, in ways I never thought possible, to give up the idea that I can succeed in looking perfect. Truth is, some people are repulsed by my relationship and that is fine. I realize that a lack of familiarity and understanding can breed contempt within some people when faced with a romantic relationship that appears quite strange.
But, while I can understand these people, I cannot let them be the boss of me or allow them to influence the joy I experience in my relationship. To do so would be to squander one of the greatest gifts of my life. More than that, though, I would be failing to live my truth fearlessly and failing to be the person that I want to be. For the record, I fail at this all the time. But, some days, in large part thanks to my marriage, I actually succeed. And with practice I think I will improve. I have always gone about life in an unorthodox manner (read: weird). If my fearless truth looks like a marriage to an AARP member senior citizen then all the better in my book.
Kirsten
You’re beautiful! I appreciate your candor. <3
Julie O
Thank you Kirsten! Back at you! Although, you do suck at naming dinosaurs. Hahaha!
Liz
“with sight comes comparison.” So says one of my very dear friends and soul tribe member. I’ve been doing a blindfolded yoga practice 2-3 times per week for awhile now. And I’m noticing things. Lots of things. Like, when I can’t see, the stories I’ve made up get more vocal. One of the more repetitive ones is “I’m doing this wrong.” Or, “am I doing this wrong?” Or, “am I the only one who doesn’t know how to do this right?” I’m not even overly concerned with how I look, but that one storyline that I’ve had playing in the background my whole life is in my awareness like a ticker tape every time I cut off my vision. I’ve read that probably 90% of the perceptions we create or conclusions we come to are based on visual information. So I could see an age-disparate couple and make similar assumptions because my eyes have given me a limited amount of information. VERY limited, it turns out.
Here’s the rest of it: without sight, with just my breath and body awareness, I experience euphoria. I am deeply at peace in a way I’ve longed for since…..forever. I am not the personality that has a certain shape face or body or clothing or walks next to another with a certain shape face, body, clothing, income, skin color……….
I have no idea where I’m going with this. I wanted to honor the difficulty of not judging based on appearances. I fell in love with a boy who was African-American when I was 16 and he was 18 and even though it was the late 1970’s in New York, we suffered much discrimination. And people felt they had a golden ticket to say anything they could because of how we looked and our seeming differences. Interesting bones to chew on. Sometimes I choke on them. Sometimes I can spit them out; they have nothing to do with me.
Here’s to the systems busters…..we came in with an incredibly difficult task – to awaken the collective. Thanks for your part, Squatch. <3
The Source
You and your husband are a unit; you complete each other. Rarely in life do people find their one person who rightly fits to create this type of unit. So what your unit doesn’t look like others. Enjoy your time together and don’t worry about making excuses to satisfy, “the people.”
Julie O
Wow, Siz. There is so much to respond to here. First, thank you for sharing all of this with me. Second, you are just extraordinary. I love how persistent you are in your quest to become free from the limiting and harmful perceptions/knee-jerk reactions to life that can be dominating and incredibly hard to transcend. You are so beautiful. You doing your part inspires me to do mine. Thank you so much for reading and for what you wrote in response. I love you.
THE SORCERER
Only those that have lived in a truly loving marriage or companionship (as you and Jan have) can recognize the same in other similar relationships as yours with Jan. Age, physical appearance, social status, or all other parameters we are judged by “The People” have no effect on the depth of that close relationship. The People sense that and it makes them uncomfortable to be in your presence. Therefore the forthcoming criticism. Julianna, I know you have recognized that special closeness in other couples in your life and had been searching for a long time to have the same experience in your life. We told you at the time “Have patience and it will happen when you least expect it” and IT DID! Remember that those that critically judge you are INSIGNIFICANT in your life. Sadly for them, they know that.
Megynn
I’m lying in bed giggling loudly about the fox and Fraggle story. I also joined Nextdoor.com here in Albuquerque. Most neighbors use it for reporting suspicions people or vehicles, or to sell horrid furniture and used shoes and such. We clearly haven’t tapped into its full potential as wildlife field guide. A cat? That’s hilarious! I hope I’m not bothering my neighbors this late.
Julie O
Megan, I love that you are on Nextdoor, too! It is interesting to see what different people see on their Nextdoor newsfeed. My next-door connects me to some pretty snooty neighborhoods, so I see a lot of posts asking advice on horse-back riding lessons and au pair services. Of course, this just makes me want to behave even more immaturely. Here’s my most recent idea for how to fuck with my specific Nextdoor neighbors – I can write a post in which I ask for recommendations for a good plastic surgeon who is experienced in “all natural, organic breast enhancement surgery.” OR I was thinking of writing a post about having lost my dog, and attaching a photo of two dogs humping as help in identifying the dog. The possibilities are endless. You’ll have to keep me updated on your activity on there!